A few days ago my youngest son (he is 18, a college student) came home from staying the night at a friends. It was 7:30 a.m. I asked him why he was home so early, he simply stated he wanted to sleep in his own bed. Not unusual. We talked a bit about nothing, I told him I was heading to the shower, he told me he was heading to bed. With my back turned to him I heard a sob and pained words – my friend died. I spun around. He was looking down, one hand at the back of his head, his other hand steadying himself against the wall, his torso hunched over.  I rushed to him and held him. I hadn’t heard him cry since he was eight or nine years old. What happened, I asked. Between broken breaths he told me his friend had killed himself, he put a f***ing bag over his head. My son’s words not mine. Suicide. What could have been so bad, he asked. I had no answer for him. As I consoled my son I felt like a fraud. As mentioned in previous posts I’ve had my own history of suicidal thoughts and landed on a psych unit because of them. Since the initial disclosure of his friend’s suicide I have tried to impart some insight regarding suicide to my son. However, when all is laid bare the only person who ultimately knows the reason for the act is the one who is gone. I have a friend who has two sons who were also friends with the young man who took his life. My friend asked if it was possible to live with someone and have no idea that they were contemplating suicide. In my opinion, the answer is yes and teenagers can be very impulsive. Impulsive to the point of irrationality. Which brings up disturbing thoughts. My boys. I have always been hyper-vigilant regarding the mental states of my boys. If they seem upset or down, I’ll ask if everything is okay or did something happen. My oldest gets annoyed, my youngest takes me in stride. Most of the time they will tell me they are just tired. But I know all too well that excuse. I’ve used it many, many times. Because of my history and current events, I’ll be on ‘suicide watch’. Yes, it’s excessive, obsessive but those who know me would expect nothing less.