Painting is a way to express my feelings in a non-violent, non-confrontational format. Looking back at my art through the years, my bipolar shifts are evident. Below are two of my paintings and what they represent to me.
Depression for me is not just ‘being blue’. If a color is to be attached then let it be blue but a multifaceted blue. My days of depression swirl into one another, each one slightly different than the other. One day may be surrounded by the black of self-hate. Another encircled by the pureness of spiritual white, pleading to a higher power to release me from the pain. Others are filled with drab blue-gray, lacking emotion, letting no light in or out, empty. Still others are tinged with green. The green of envy, paranoia and suspicion, eating away at the remains of my sanity, calling upon the circle of white for relief. But, always the perfect playmate, blue is the friend to all the other colors.
Paranoia is thought to be influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Unfortunately paranoia likes to body-slam me during anxiety and panic. When these two feelings subside so does the paranoia, sort of. I get to the point that even my family is ‘out to get me’. No one is safe from my thoughts. The problem is, I am always on the edge of anxiety with panic lurking around the corner and paranoia waiting patiently on the sidewalk.