It may seem that I am an open book because of this blog. I am not. There are things that are closed for business. My aim here is to help others know they aren’t alone. Mental illness is a lonely corner. Some believe you’re faking symptoms. Some think you’re a waste of their time. Some become angry and frustrated that you are sick. Mental illness is a daily struggle with symptoms waxing and waning. But it is always, always there. Symptoms of my illness can seemingly come from no where. I sometimes need a boom, a blast back to reality. Picture a day on the boat. Sun, swimming, fishing on Lake Michigan. My perfect day. But no… just as we are exiting the marina, the wide expanse of the lake coming into view, shallow turquoise-blue waters melting into the deeper navy-blue waters, my face begins to burn, my nose becomes numb and the lump in my throat makes it hard to swallow. Anxiety quickly turns to panic. You know when you’re deep frying and your cooking oil is too hot? And you put your french fries in or whatever it is you’re cooking and the oil erupts over the sides of the pan? That’s what anxiety to panic feels like. You’ve put one too many fries in the cooking oil. Anyway, on this particular day I needed the wham, bam to stop the eruption. I looked at my husband and said, ‘Hit me, smack me in the face’. Now he had no idea why I requested this and didn’t know I was having a panic attack. But, always ready to please me, he did as I asked. I was stunned and didn’t really think he would smack me, open handed, on the face, but he did.  It hurt and my face was red for a bit, but that instant of pain worked to relieve the panic. The remainder of the day proceeded without incident. This is a fragment of a day in my life. Most days I wait in humble anticipation for the next event the illness will shoot my way and hope I can still continue to be a moving target. So, although I have laid myself bare within this blog in ways I never thought I would, I am still the only one that knows of the daily battles that are fought between my body and soul.