I have branded myself. Literally. There are some that believe I have done this to get attention. I don’t. I am ashamed afterward and have to hide my wounds which doesn’t really work. The bandages are noticeable and my kids and those closest to me always know what I have done. Normal people do not cut or burn themselves. I burn myself. With cigarettes. I have a scar on the inside of my left forearm. My arm went through a glass window when I was four years old. The scar is about 1/4 inch wide and is half the length of my forearm. The scar itself is white and pink and raised and still turns purple when I get cold. This is where I burn myself. I have almost burned off the original scar and in its place are small round healed cigarette burns. The Burn. The moment the red tip hits my skin is the ahhhh factor. A drink from an ice cold bottle of coke. A dive into a cool lake on a 90 degree day. The warmth of the sun on bare skin after a long cold winter. As the burn continues, all the feelings that led me to that point fade. A rush of endorphins flood my brain. The tension that was, no longer is and has been washed away from head to toe. I can finally release the breath I was holding in. The last time I burned myself was a day in July, 2009. On that day I was anxious, shaky, I couldn’t think straight. I was at work. I was in a heightened state of agitation. I couldn’t sit still or talk in complete sentences. I knew what would make me feel better. The Burn. I talked about it to a coworker. He was a confidant at the time and tried to talk me through the situation. I didn’t listen. I knew relief was only a cigarette away. I ended up outside. I sat on a bench and lit up. I hesitated only a second, letting the red-hot tip hover over the inside of my arm. I could feel the radiant heat just above my skin. I lowered the cigarette to my skin. I shut my eyes and my head fell back. I Immediately felt the release. The burn lasted maybe three seconds but it was enough. When it was over I sat in a daze, almost drugged, feeling so very, very calm and I smiled. I remember the smile because I knew I shouldn’t have been so pleased. This is a quick fix to a never-ending problem. Then the shame sets in. The burn begins to show and the water bubble forms under my skin. The bandage goes on and those that know me know what I have done. For more information on Self Injury